Dating voor hoger opgeleide singles

The first time I went on a date with someone I only knew from the dating site I was really excited... I honestly thought that he might be the one... But after he turned out to be a far cry from 'the one' I got to asking myself what exactly does that mean... ´the one´? At that time it probably meant someone to share the rest of my life with. The words 'love of my life' keep recurring, but that cant be the definition. I have already shared a good part of my life with a man, the father of my kids who has since become 'the ex'. So if I do meet my Mr. Right then what will he be? The love of the second half of my life? Someone once said to me that instead of looking for the love of your life it might be a better idea to look for the love of a part of your life.

That actually did appeal to me. A part of your life could be from now untill eternity, but one evening is also a part of your life. That kind of takes the pressure off and allows you just to enjoy the occasion and not spend half of it sizing someone up and trying to figure out whether he´s relationship material.

Since that first internet date I have met quite a few others via the site. I still haven´t found 'the one' or even discovered yet what that is but on the rare occasion that I do go on a date these days I am a bit more cool about it all. Of course its still rather exciting meeting someone for the first time and wondering whether you'll regret having planned to spend a whole evening together rather than just a quick coffee date. I still do get a little nervous and sometimes even begin to regret even coming at all as I sit there wondering if I´ll even recognize the fella from his photograph. But the pressure is off because I am no longer looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I am just there for a nice night out, or a pleasant afternoon stroll, or coffee on a Sunday morning and hoping to share it with someone who's good company. There are no expectations, no sizing him up and trying to figure out whether he would be capable of taking me on. None of that. There is always the possibility of a follow up if we both think its a good idea, but it is definitely not a must.

Dates are so much more enjoyable when all you are hoping for is that the time you planned to spend together is enjoyable.

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I´ve got Christmas figured. Know what I need and who I need to be with in order to make sure that I don't feel alone and sorry for myself on Christmas day. I´ve learned that you don´t sit around and wait for Christmas to happen but you ´arrange´ it in such a way that it works for you and those you love.

But what about that other celebration this holiday season? New Year. A time for looking back, taking stock of your life so far and all that you have or have not achieved this last year. Just how much further am I now than this time last year? What about the New Year´s resolutions of 2009. How many of them did I stick to and can I even remember what they were?

It's also a time to look forward, to speculate about what the new year will bring. To make a bunch of new resolutions designed to improve my life. Lose weight, exercise more, read the papers more thoroughly, and meet my Prince Charming - you know, the usual stuff.

But before we get that far we must bring in the new year, preferably at a party. Whereas Christmas to me is a time to spend with a small intimate group, a New Year´s celebration can´t be too large. ´The more the merrier´ is my motto at New Year.

As I said I've figured out how to spend Christmas as a single, but New Year is not that easy. I'm usually at a party, usually neighbors, and at the ´moment supreme´- five, four, three, two, one.......”Happy New Year!” everybody turns to his or her partner. That´s natural, of course you want to wish your most special person a Happy New Year first. That first hopeful kiss of the year before everyone starts kissing each other, can be so meaningful. However, if you don´t have a partner, then those first few seconds of the year when all the couples are busy with their special someone, can be rather painful. The partnerless among us can only look on awkwardly and wait for the couples to free themselves of each other. Its only a moment and before you know it someone grabs you and you can join in the handshaking and cheek kissing all around the room. I´m sure all of us singles feel it. I think what gets me is that at that moment its so obvious that I´m nobody´s number one. Whether I want a live-in partner or a weekend lover doesn't matter. It would be nice to have someone see me as their number one – particularly at 00:00 hr on the 1st January – maybe next year.

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As a child I adored Christmas. I really believed in the magic of Christmas. In fact I am still convinced that I did hear the sleigh bells one Christmas eve when I stayed awake to see if I could catch a glimpse of Santa!

In my adult life I still search for that `Christmas feeling´ but I have never quite been able to re-capture it. I have tried all sorts of things to try and find that feeling...staying at home and doing the whole 'gifts under the tree, Christmas stockings and turkey dinner' thing, but although my Dutch family humor me they don't really get into it. We even went to Florida one Christmas to see if Disney World could conjure up that magical feeling for me – but of course I didn't find it there either. That probably had something to do with the all the palm trees and the sunny warm December weather!

The first Christmas I spent as a single was without my kids. They were going to be with me for New Year so it was only fair that they be with their father for Christmas. So what was I going to do for Christmas? I didn't want to play the pathetic lonely single at Christmas and go pleading to some happy family to take me in. At this time of year, you know that everyone has plans and all my friend assumed that I would have plans too. As my family all live too far away to visit, I decided it was time to be a big girl, to grow up and stop chasing this dream of Christmas that only exists in my childhood memories. I wouldn't make plans and if no great invitations arrived I'd spend Christmas on my own.

I reckoned that if I snuggled up in front of the fire with a bottle of good wine, a good book and a basket load of comfort food then I'd be just fine.

I'm sure you've guessed that I wasn't fine! My comfort food didn't do the trick and I drank the whole bottle of wine and the book wasn't good enough to distract me from how sorry for myself I was feeling! 364 days a year I'm fine on my own. I am quite happy with my own company usually. But on Christmas day I want to be with other people. The fact that almost everybody you know is enjoying the company of friends and loved ones makes you feel very lonely. What a fool I was to think I'd spend Christmas on my own rather than inviting myself to any number of friends who would have taken me in gladly. Hopefully that was the last Christmas I'll have to spend on my own.

One good thing has come of it. I am no longer disappointed that Christmas doesn't live up to the idea I had of what Christmas should be. My definition of a good Christmas has changed. I always make sure that I'm with the kids or friends and I really appreciate the company. Although I do now enjoy Christmas as it comes I still always make the effort to make it special. I guess I don't need the magic anymore so I must have grown up a little, but I must admit I'm still a sucker for the idea of a traditional, romantic white Christmas with all the trimmings.

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Hanging somewhere between sleep and wakefulness I find myself once again in that place where life exists only in my head. My body is present but does not participate, the point of focus is that place that we call the mind.

Its late and another busy day at work means I have to get up early tomorrow. I should be asleep by now but there´s no way my inner demon is going to let me do that. And so I am divided. Part of me is tired and wants to get a good night's rest, the other part is hyperactive and raring to go. I find myself in that familiar place where involuntary thoughts invade my consciousness.

My thoughts are racing. All the current issues are addressed, I had scheduled the following 8 hours as ´restful inactive hours', but my irrational mind does not agree! “Inactive? What a waste!” My mind sees the coming 8 hours as time to address not only the current issues but also those that have been put on hold, subjects that used to cause me grief but have long since been shelved and written off as lost causes. The night is young and the relentless mind is winning and turns out to be agile and fit and ready to present me with ridiculous solutions to all of life´s problems. My body wants to sleep but is too tired to object. If I could only escape back to wakefulness – but the more active my mind becomes in this strange state the more passive are my limbs. They object to the thought of dragging me out of bed.

Now and then good sense gains ground and is strong enough to banish these involuntary thoughts. The delights of sleep and oblivion are calling and slowly I succumb. Only to be brutally yanked back, back to this strange purgatory which tortures me, fooling me with the answers to all life´s problems. Eureka! One more solution presents itself. Why is it that when I'm stuck here, neither sleeping nor awake, my mind plays tricks on me, making me believe that the thoughts that flash through my mind are rational! I know that tomorrow in the cold light of day I´ll realize how illogical and sometimes downright stupid these thought trains are. In this place solutions are easily found and wild and wonderful ideas are conceived. There are answers to be found and epiphanies are a regular occurrence. Who wouldn't be tempted to remain here. This limbo offers the apple. But lurking in the background is the knowledge that tomorrow all the incredible ideas which don't evaporate the minute I open my eyes, will seem ridiculous. Experience has proven that knowledge gained in this place is rarely valid beyond the borders of this territory. Its a different logic that counts here. In the wakeful hours of the morning these solutions and discoveries will hold no value. This pre REM activity is interesting but probably worthless.

Maybe it was the coffee, or some other physical or chemical imbalance which obstructs my peaceful slumber. Whatever the reason, I can only sit it out and try and enjoy the ride. Tomorrow I´ll go to bed early.

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Sounds a bit of cliché right? But this is not a romantic story about how I realized that the best quality in a partner is friendship. In fact although this is about my encounters during a group holiday and via the dating site, this has nothing to do with romance at all!

Dating sites and group holidays have provided me with three lasting relationships! And yet I am still single. Three encounters with the promise of a sustainable relationship. One via the dating site and the other two on a group holiday.

The first was when I answered an appeal on the site. "Marly" enjoys walking and was hoping to get a group of like minded singles together to share her hobby. Being a walker myself, I thought this was a good idea. A relaxed way to meet people and simultaneously partake in my hobby. Marly was pleased to get my reaction as she had had very few responses - she would keep me informed as to when and where the first walk would take place and after receiving her mail with instructions a week or so later I set off curious about who else would be there.

Disappointingly, only Marly and I turned up. The disappointment was short lived however, as Marly is good company. We walked and talked and decided that it was fine even if there were only two of us. Since then I meet up with her fairly regularly. Sharing the Dutch scenery Marly and I became friends.

Last year I decided that it was time I undertook a holiday on my own - I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a good holiday without kids, partner or best friend to lean on. But spending a week with only myself for company was a bit too scary. So I found myself a travel organization that arranged walking holidays for groups. I deliberately chose a mixed group rather than a singles group, after all I wasn´t going off to Italy with the intention of finding a partner (even though I secretly contemplated the possibility that my future match could possibly book himself onto the same trip).

The group consisted of three couples, one single man and four single women. Needless to say the single man was not my Prince Charming. He quickly hooked up with the youngest of the single women in the group leaving Debbie, Sue and myself as the loose ends - not for long. Debbie is from Texas, used to being out on her own and knows how to enjoy life. Sue from England is in her late 50's and married to a man 10 years her senior. Recently she decided that she 's wants to live life to the full and this was the reason that she left her husband at home to go walking on the Amalfi Coast. She has a great sense of humor and had us doubling up with laughter with her dry remarks.

The three of us hit it off. We formed a splinter group and had a wonderful holiday together which besides walking included plenty prosecco and an introduction to the local limoncello. When it was time to go our separate ways we promised to keep in touch. And we have. In fact, the two of them are coming to spend a week with me very soon. This also feels like a friendship that is likely to last.

Group holidays and, more particularly, dating sites are often used as a tool to bring one closer to meeting a partner. And I too, do hope that one day I will bump into Mr. Right. Whether the internet will provide me with the perfect match or not I cannot say, but I find it a great medium for meeting people whatever your intentions are.

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I just read an article reporting on the findings of a study carried out at Washington University in St. Louis, USA. The scientists there recorded brain activity of subjects as they read. What they found was that when reading about a subject the brain activity increased in the region of the brain that would also be stimulated if the action they were reading about was actually being performed.

Does that surprise you?

The only thing that surprises me is that the professor in Washington University who undertook this study actually thought it necessary to spend the US tax dollar investigating this subject. If he had asked me I could have supplied him with the answer. Isn't it logical that we learn from reading, from books? I concede that theory and practice are two different things but whenever I undertake a new activity my initial step is reading up. Reading the theory but also the practice. What about instruction manuals, gardening books and, perhaps the best example, the cookery book! Isn't that the way many of us begin to learn certain ' skills' ?

Its all about imagination. And if you are equipped with a reasonable amount of imagination, whether you read a book or watch a film the 'passive' experience is translated within the grey matter into something approaching a real life experience and before you know it that lump is back in your throat and there is a serious chance that the kids will see that Bambi has once again transformed you into that sniveling mother thing. Haven't we all experienced that? Ok, gentlemen, that was perhaps confined to the realms of femininity, but I have an even better example that you too can relate to.

So this American professor has just discovered that a passive observation can lead to a learning experience or even the acquisition of a certain level of skill. As far as I can see, the porn industry discovered this a long time ago. The success of the porn industry is a direct consequence of the experience documented by this American professor. Passive participation translated in the brain to a physical experience – don't deny it, that is what happens and that is why the porn industry survives.

So although I realize that these topics need to be scientifically tested and proven, I can't help thinking that perhaps there are other topics more in need of the funding. I am sure all will agree that this one is pretty obvious. It seems such a shame to waste good money investigating subjects that we all are already experts on.

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Saturday!...weekend....at last. This last week was hectic. As a single mother of three teenagers life is always hectic. Working enough hours to pay the mortgage and keep the kids supplied with a reasonable amount of G-Star sweaters and Bjorn Borg underwear to ensure their acceptance in the corridors and bike sheds of the high school. After work there's a garden and house, screaming almost as hard as the children for attention. At the same time I am always engaged in this personal battle – on one side there's me and on the other is the washing basket. Just as the bottom of the pile of wash is in sight one of my teenagers decides to clean up. Triumphantly he arrives downstairs laden with a mountain of jeans, t-shirts and odd socks expecting only praise from having finally tidied up his room. That's a normal week. But this week was a marathon!

Not only stress at work, filling in for sick colleagues while we're in the last throes of organizing a symposium. My three day week became a five day, 50 hour affair. My evenings were filled with pilates, two parents evenings at two different schools, choir practice and a birthday celebration. And then ….sigh of relief....Saturday......aaahhhhhh. Not much to do today, no alarm to wake me, bit of shopping, washing, gardening and the thought of spending my evening with my youngest child. My daughter, 13 years old. My sons, 17 and 19, have plans elsewhere as is usual on a Saturday evening. But my daughter is still too young for that. Her weekends are spent at home – generally with me. Mother/daughter quality time.

I had two invitations for this evening. One was to a concert, classical, sounded very nice. The other was to a party. A friend was giving a house warming. But if I had accepted either one then my daughter would have been on her own. She says she doesn't mind... she actually encourages me to go out. But although I do occasionally leave her on her own I don't like to do that too much. At that age you still appreciate a bit of parental attention, right? I was looking forward to an evening with her – rented a DVD, 'Legally Blond' good choice for a 13 year old, potato chips, candle on the table, cola.. but what's this?..Forget it!!

After dinner the boys were soon gone...the film that I had chosen for her is great...if you're 13. One obstacle in the way of our evening together.... she is no longer interested in Saturday evening with Mom... msn has taken my place! There she is, tick, tick, tick on the keyboard... I occasionally see a little laugh, a twinkle in her eye... she is completely absorbed by the conversation.... or should I say chat... or chats. She seems able to carry on a conversation with about 10 different 'contacts' at the same time. If I try to talk she looks at me with a blank expression... humoring me for the appropriate length of time until she can comfortably resume her msn 'chat' without making me feel snubbed. Meanwhile I'm sitting here virtually on my own, watching 'Legally Blond'. And to think I could have been out at a concert... or partying the night away. But no.. even although she seems barely aware of the fact that I´m here, I choose to believe that on some subconscious level she is very aware and even supported by the fact that her mother is here, but an arm´s length away..... should the msn chatters cross the line. Let´s face it, it´s their reality, their world, and what happens there is every bit as stimulating, exciting and, on occasion, threatening, as the contacts we used to have hanging on the street corner.

So just as my mother used to peep through the curtains keeping an eye on me and my friends, I keep an eye on my daughter, on stand by, ready to help, comfort, lend a shoulder, when necessary. My Saturday evening is worthwhile...I´d rather do this than any concert or party.

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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">My neighbor (retired professional handyman) likes to give me advice...especially when he sees that I've just finished some arduous home improvement task. At the point when I stand back, fold my arms and proudly admire my achievement...that's the moment he chooses to ask me “what kind of paint did you use?”. Of course it was the wrong type according to him but I could have guessed that the moment he casually strolled over to inspect my latest botch up!

<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">OK, so not all my “home improvements” have turned out to be an improvement..but as long as you don' look too closely my house looks OK. So who needs advice from the neighbor! Only lately did I realize that he needs me a lot more than I need him! My incompetence reassures him that even although he is retired and at home all day watering the geraniums while his younger wife is out working, he has still got 'it' . Still got one up on helpless single mother-of-three working AND home owning neighbors! Imagine I did manage to do all the jobs as well as he does, imagine my house was just as well cared for as his – that would kind of mean that I was managing without a man about the house. He is already confounded by he fact that I, a divorcee, could even buy a house in this area. So it must be a comfort to him to see that I don't quite mange all the odd jobs as well as he does.

<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">Funny thing is though, today I see the tables beginning to turn. After my initial panic about using the wrong kind of paint, I hurried to the DIY shop to ask for advice. As it turns out this time I did use the right paint. The paint my neighbor used to do his window frames last year is likely to cause him problems some time soon. And my window frames will continue to look great when he´s out there stripping off the paint he carefully applied not so long ago.

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