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maandag 14 december 2009

Sleepless nights

Hanging somewhere between sleep and wakefulness I find myself once again in that place where life exists only in my head. My body is present but does not participate, the point of focus is that place that we call the mind.

Its late and another busy day at work means I have to get up early tomorrow. I should be asleep by now but there´s no way my inner demon is going to let me do that. And so I am divided. Part of me is tired and wants to get a good night's rest, the other part is hyperactive and raring to go. I find myself in that familiar place where involuntary thoughts invade my consciousness.

My thoughts are racing. All the current issues are addressed, I had scheduled the following 8 hours as ´restful inactive hours', but my irrational mind does not agree! “Inactive? What a waste!” My mind sees the coming 8 hours as time to address not only the current issues but also those that have been put on hold, subjects that used to cause me grief but have long since been shelved and written off as lost causes. The night is young and the relentless mind is winning and turns out to be agile and fit and ready to present me with ridiculous solutions to all of life´s problems. My body wants to sleep but is too tired to object. If I could only escape back to wakefulness – but the more active my mind becomes in this strange state the more passive are my limbs. They object to the thought of dragging me out of bed.

Now and then good sense gains ground and is strong enough to banish these involuntary thoughts. The delights of sleep and oblivion are calling and slowly I succumb. Only to be brutally yanked back, back to this strange purgatory which tortures me, fooling me with the answers to all life´s problems. Eureka! One more solution presents itself. Why is it that when I'm stuck here, neither sleeping nor awake, my mind plays tricks on me, making me believe that the thoughts that flash through my mind are rational! I know that tomorrow in the cold light of day I´ll realize how illogical and sometimes downright stupid these thought trains are. In this place solutions are easily found and wild and wonderful ideas are conceived. There are answers to be found and epiphanies are a regular occurrence. Who wouldn't be tempted to remain here. This limbo offers the apple. But lurking in the background is the knowledge that tomorrow all the incredible ideas which don't evaporate the minute I open my eyes, will seem ridiculous. Experience has proven that knowledge gained in this place is rarely valid beyond the borders of this territory. Its a different logic that counts here. In the wakeful hours of the morning these solutions and discoveries will hold no value. This pre REM activity is interesting but probably worthless.

Maybe it was the coffee, or some other physical or chemical imbalance which obstructs my peaceful slumber. Whatever the reason, I can only sit it out and try and enjoy the ride. Tomorrow I´ll go to bed early.

geplaatst door Eve - 5320 keer gelezen

beoordeeld 1.5/5 (4 Stemmen)

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